I sincerely appreciate mentors who have and continue to invest in me. Even more than that, I appreciate the opportunity to invest in protégés. As I continue to provide counsel to others, I have ceased being surprised when a protégé tells me that the advice I give them is very different than the guidance they receive from their other mentors. That’s not to say that my advice is any better, it’s just different. Likewise, I have a few mentors I seek out more regularly than others because they give me reason to think differently than I do on my own. I like to think that is the very reason people come to me for advice: I help them think differently about the situation they are contemplating. Just yesterday, I received this note from a teammate from the last Navy Command we shared:
“Sir, I was reflecting on my time at NCDOC last week. I realize how much my time there has changed how I look at stuff. While I hope I was able to improve NCDOC, my time there certainly improved me. I find I use things you have said often. I am certain there was so much I should have learned, but what I did, I believe has made me better. Thank you.”
Just this morning, I received this note from a Naval Officer I have yet to meet…
“I’ve never served with you, but know a few officers who have. I’ve always enjoyed hearing about your unique approach to leading Sailors and getting the mission done…So, I just wanted to connect and follow the great things you are doing.”
I sincerely appreciate receiving notes like these. They serve as additional validation that my commitment to coaching teammates across and beyond the Navy is not only personally fulfilling, but also valued by more people than I know. And that brings me to the inspiration behind this post. As I prepare for the looming and inevitable transition from uniformed service, I have been reaching out to an increasingly diverse set of advisors. These people don’t know me like the members of my Personal Board of Directors do, but they are familiar with senior military officers navigating the transition to civilian life. And just as the advice given to my protégés by many of their other mentors, it is grounded on the same assumptions. People seem to assume we all want more of the same in life. They assume that we value deepening our sense of accomplishment more than we do expanding our breadth of experience. They assume that we have the same challenge letting go of sunk costs that they evidently do and therefore encourage the execution of a plan that accelerates speed on current career course as opposed to evaluating adjacent opportunities.
More often than not, the advice we get from others has far more to do with mirror-imaging than empathy. They tell us what they would do if they were in our situation, not what they think we should do after getting to know more about our values and priorities. If the individual you are asking for advice doesn’t first get intrusive into what drives you as a human being, they are not providing you with advice. They are advising themselves as if they were standing in your shoes. As I get closer to making a decision about whether or not to do another tour of duty before navigating the transition and contemplating how best to prepare me and my family for the inevitable shedding of the uniform, I find myself being even more deliberate about the counsel I take.
Those who tell me it’s unwise to retire before truly competing for another promotion aren’t advising me. Those who encourage me to leverage my operational experiences to date and focus primarily on government employment/contracting aren’t advising me. And those who think a security clearance and the opportunity to exploit a personal network represent the most significant reasons an organization might hire me aren’t advising me. They are merely offering what they would do. The more I hear such advice the more I tend to disregard it. And, the more confident I am that my current course is one that may be in need of a “Hard right rudder!”
When giving advice it is vital that we understand the individual we are mentoring on a human level. When receiving advice we must assess just who the advisor is advising.
- Are you on the right course for you?
- Are you blindly following another person’s plan?
- Is it time for a strong order to the helmsman?
Great post – thanks for sharing. Life is a never ending series of changes. Our ability to change and transition over time dictates the range of our possibilities. Best outcomes aren’t from a narrow mind; they are the offspring of wider possibilities and diverse experiences. We should all be lucky – and boldly confident – enough to sail multiple courses to many different destinations. It makes a better Sailor.
Thanks for the comment, Nate. More importantly, thanks for always caring to be part of the conversation. Well done, teammate!
As a more-senior/more-experienced JO, I’ve found myself approached for advice from officers finishing up their first NIOC tour frequently over the last year or so. I think I’ve done a decent job of getting people to what they want instead of what I would do, but I will definitely be thinking about it and doing it deliberately from here on.
I am sure you have, Leslie. Thanks for caring so much about mentoring our reliefs. Not everyone does.
Sean, if I were you (couldn’t resist), I would do what offers the most joy and the maximum time with those most important to you. I might also ask (rhetorically), what did you dream of becoming as a little boy? You’re smart enough, and self-aware enough, to make the best decision for yourself and your family.
Perhaps you/we should seek options instead of ‘advice.’ That opens the door to all the things you could do and not what others think you should do. It may present options you’ve not considered. Leveraging your experience, connections, and clearance to secure a position as a high-paid government contractor is easy, default advice. Considering freelance work as a script consultant in Hollywood (still leveraging your experience) is a bit outside-the-box. Military retirement offers the opportunity and some financial freedom to pursue dreams – Did you always want to be a lawyer, a fireman, a soccer coach, a photographer, or sail across the Pacific? The options are almost limitless.
Perhaps we need to ask for advice differently, in such a way that our personal core values and motivations are part of the calculus. Would that lead those giving the advice away from mirroring because they would have to consider what makes us tick, not themselves?
Anyway, excellent post as always.
V/R
Jim
Well said, my friend with the fouled anchor! I will also offer that you might take your own advice. You most certainly have in your personal life, but in your professional life? I think you are selling yourself short (and I know you well enough to know that you agree). I miss that guy who used to influence so many with his writings.
I can’t wait to see what you do! It’s always a fun journey with Team Heritage!
Thanks, Jules…excited to see you and the family in a few weeks.
“Those who tell me it’s unwise to retire before truly competing for another promotion aren’t advising me. Those who encourage me to leverage my operational experiences to date and focus primarily on government employment/contracting aren’t advising me. And those who think a security clearance and the opportunity to exploit a personal network represent the most significant reasons an organization might hire me aren’t advising me. They are merely offering what they would do. “
I spent so much time considering this “advice” from others. Then a sense of guilt if I didn’t follow through. My desire when separating was to do something completely different than what I was doing. Those observing would say “it’s a shame you have all that training and not using it.” I could use my Navy experiences to add value to my new journey, so my last 20+ wasn’t a waste of my time. It had taken a lot of reflection and self education to get over this.
I admit, I always have a self doubt. Am I doing what I should be doing with my life? What I’m doing now seems to be different from who I was/am. But, I believe God gives us dreams and passion for a reason. He uses those dreams and passions to guide us to what makes us “come alive” which, I believe, is God’s plan for us.
Thank you for the post. It is always nice to hear that senior officers are experiencing the same issues.
Well said, Chris. Thanks so much for the comment. Anyone who doesn’t admit their self-doubt is either lying to themselves or a person we need not have in our circle (or both). We must live our own life, as disappointing as it might be to others. Glad to have you in my circle. Keep doubting, keep pushing, keep living!
Nice post. Know that there is something extraordinary and significant on the near horizon for you.
Thanks, Mike. I agree with you and am equally anxious to find out what that something is. It may be in uniform for a while longer and it may not. But if it isn’t extraordinary, shame on me.
Your post makes me smile. I have similar thoughts on the standard advice. Recommend a few things below to consider:
– check out Debbie Millman on life design
– consider that your work is a delivery device for the life you want to lead
– you don’t need to go “where the jobs are”. I mean, how many do you need?
– There is opportunity all around us, therefore, treat your transition process as the exciting exploration that it is. No need for fear or trepidation.
Smiles are important, Gabe. You get that. I get that. Not everyone does. Thank you for the recommendations. Will look at Debbie’s stuff and your other pieces of wisdom.