Last week, my son told me that in his estimation every day is the same. Each day consists of the same activities within the house and every time he steps outside of the house, he does so to execute a plan of the day that is continually governed by adults telling him what to do. Whether it is a teacher or one of his coaches, he finds himself following directions and not getting the opportunity to do what he might prefer. Many would say, “Get over it. That’s the life of a kid. You can make the decisions when you’re an adult.” In fact, I believe most would say that. And if you think about it, most do say that every morning when sending our children off to school to sit in a classroom, execute a standard curriculum, and blindly assimilate within the learning assembly line where choice is an illusion. Truth is, many of us have made personal choice little more than an illusion in our lives as adults. The following quote from Dave Ramsey certainly is a little extreme, yet true for many: “We buy things we don’t need with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t like.” Though not true for me, many people drive to jobs they don’t enjoy to work with people they don’t like merely to pay off the debt they should have never accumulated.
I have been taking some notes since my son’s comments and have come to two highly interrelated conclusions:
- We are uncomfortable with choice – When presented with an opportunity to make a decision, most of us don’t. We’d rather ask for more data, gather more input, or just ask for more time. The funny thing is that choosing not to make a choice is the choice most tend to make. Maybe we don’t want to get it wrong or we are concerned about upsetting others with an unpopular decision. Personally, I believe we are so uncomfortable with a choice because we aren’t conditioned to being “The Decider” on things that truly matter. Yes, even in the customizable world in which we live, choice continues to be an illusion (at least when it comes to things that truly matter).
- We prefer to be told what to do – My son complains about always being told what to do (at least in his mind), but when we ask him what he might like to do instead, he is at a loss. His standard response is his trademark smirk, coupled with “play video games.” On occasion he will surprise us with an especially creative idea, but like most, he is more content complaining about always being told what to do. I see it at work as well. Granted, I am in the military, but I am continually amazed at the number of people who have trouble with the way things are, but when given the opportunity to shape things, they ultimately talk themselves out of taking action.
I will freely admit that I have not always been comfortable making decisions and as a result, though I’m loathed to admit it, earlier in life I preferred to be told what to do. The reason was the lack opportunity. Opportunity to have a say in impactful decisions. Even during my days at the Naval Academy, choices were limited at best. They were an illusion and often a trap: choose wrong and pay the price. I often write about the value of learning through mistakes in favor of punishment. Those of you who know me are well aware that I learn by making mistakes on a daily basis. My wife and I afford our son the opportunity to both have an influence on the decisions we make as a family (it’s his life too) and make quite a few on his own. Some of his friends (and I am sure ours) are blown away by the amount of say he has in informing/shaping our familial decisions and those regarding his life in particular. Admittedly, I cringe at some of the decisions he makes, but I let it play out. When doing so, one of two things happens: he learns that he chose poorly, or I learn that my preferred course of action was wrong. When it comes to my profession, the amount of importance I place on input from our most junior teammates certainly gives pause to many of my peers. Decision-making is not a trait, it’s a skill. A skill that far too many people do not have and a skill that is not deliberately cultivated early enough in life. This is the very reason we have so many incapable decision makers in our world. Like any craft, we won’t get good at it unless we practice it regularly, and we just don’t.
My son’s complaint is one heard in every home. Likewise, it’s the foundation of a saying across the Navy, “A bitching Sailor is a happy Sailor.” Complaints and gripes are valid and often times provide us with the foundation to make things even better. The goal is not to stop the complaints, but to develop our children and teammates so that they provide a viable alternative to that which they are complaining about and that they are prepared earlier in life to confidently make sound decisions. We need to do a lot less of telling others what to do and a lot more coaching. And when we realize we are coaches, we realize that they are are also on the field of life. They are not on the sidelines preparing to live their lives (children) and preparing to execute the mission (teammates), they are ON the field along with us.
- How comfortable are you with making substantive decisions?
- Do you find yourself spending more time telling others what to do, or listening to them share their thoughts on what should be done?
- How are you helping others to learn the art of decision-making?
The phrase “a bitching sailor is a happy sailor” really isn’t about “bitching” at all. It’s more about sailors “connecting” with shipmates and their leadership.
While there are many theories, IMHO humans crave conflict to feel connected: the differences between us really only come down when there’s a crisis; we really only start appreciating people when they’re gone; the last duty station is always your best; and i challenge you to find a group of men or women sitting in a bar talking about “good” things happening to any of them.
I actually believe that your Son’s boredom with the rote duties of his day are more the result of two other factors:
1. The first you’ve already identified – the mechanistic, factory model of our education system – it sucks the life out of children, the teachers have no control over what they can do, and the job of a principal has turned into ‘keeping the school board out of court.” (sorry, I got off topic)
2. For the second reason, you must look in the mirror my friend. Your son (as mine did) was watching your every move, and now HE wants a piece of the fun times you are having in how YOU live your life. He sees the joy work brings you, the creativity being innovative offers, and he sees how those around you react so positively to what you do – and HE wants THAT instead of life of drudgery that he perceives he is living.
One of the few lessons I learned in life is that our children will NOT listen to a word we say; however, they will DO whatever they see us doing.
Not to put specific ideas in yours or his head, but I would bet there’s something you an help him engage in on the side to feed that innovative, explorer spirit – a blog? a web business? some other entrepreneurial venture?
So I say let the sailors continue to bitch! At least they’re talking to us. 🙂
r/Chuck
Sean and Chuck,
I will offer two points in response to your posts. Please understand that I deeply respect your willingness to share your thoughts and opinions. In fact, I share the following comments (see below) as a means to further explore this particular subject in more detail.
1. First and foremost, I have always fundamentally disagreed with the characterization of “a bitching Sailor” as the “short-hand” description for an engaged and – most often – “passionate” teammate. To me, the use of the word “bitch” (in all forms: verb, gerund, adjective, noun, etc…) inherently carries a disparaging connotation (N.B. the inflammatory nature of this conversation if it involved reference to a female shipmate rather than in the clearly “generic” sense that both of you applied).
2. During my active-duty career, I found that the most “passionate” Sailors at a certain time were almost universally the ones who also demonstrated the most significant “personal investment” in the subject at hand. I truly believe that those most passionate about a specific issue are the most likely individuals to provide the “best” answer, solution, etc… with an apparent direct correlation to the complexity of the given topic. With some latitude from the original applications related to software programming by both Eric Raymond and Linus Torvalds, “Linus’ Law” is a term that can be used to describe this phenomenon. In a similar vein, Dr. Lee J. Colander basically states that an individual will deliver “passionate performance” when they are engaged in their work and feel a deep connection to it (in his book “Engaging the Hearts and Minds of all your Employees”).
Finally, I respectfully request that you consider my closing assertion as follows…
Just because an authority figure told me to do something does NOT mean that I have to “blindly” and immediately comply. Instead, I retain the ability to choose to think before I act in absolutely EVERY situation. Ultimately, it is my ALWAYS my choice to simply react or to pause and think regardless of the other individual’s action. In fact – as a rational human being, I feel COMPELLED to “stop and think” before choosing to take action in ANY/ALL circumstances unless life or limb is clearly at risk.
Bottom line: I am irrational – and, a complete hypocrite – if I expect my child (e.g. age 8 or older), spouse, teammate, friend, co-worker, fellow human, etc… to behave in a manner that subjugates them to my will without any question or thoughtful consideration in 99.99999% of life.
V/r, John